Real Time: Finding Peace

Today, I found peace.

If you'd asked me just two days ago which treatment route I was taking, i'd say "I don't know".

If you'd asked me how I am feeling, i'd say something along the lines of "lost and confused, scared".

Yet- today, I have an overwhelming sense of peace.

Father, Bring me Peace

Throughout the last month, my prayer has been to experience this peace and to receive the Lord's willfull instruction. Not to lead with my emotions, with impatience, with fear, but to have him choose what is next for me - because, quite frankly, I couldn't. The weight of choosing a treatment route is not something I can physically choose myself. There are too many pros and cons on either side. ATG? May or may not work, high relapse rate, not to mention long term immuncompromization (with kids, I might add), the never ending mental battle and PTSD that comes with each lab appointment post treatment, possible clonal evolution to cancer, forget about ever having more children. But, less invasive, relatively quick hospital stay, some may say the easier route. BMT? Chemotherapy, radiation, likelyhood of early menopause and infertility, losing all of my hair, GVHD risk, higher risk overall, relocation, and the worst... But, higher long term survival rates and many go on to live a long and normal life once recovered.

This is easily the most difficult decision i've ever had to make and I simply made the choice not to make it. I handed it over to the Lord. Isn't that amazing? That our Father in heaven loves us so much that he is willing to carry our heaviest burdens? Things we, as humans, know we are incapable of handling ourselves. I will say, handing this over to Him took time. It didn't happen overnight or immediately for me.

I am what they call a true "type A", a proper planner, researcher, etc. ChatGPT became my digital best friend. I showed up to every hematology appointment with an actual three ring binder filled with research and about 50 questions for him to answer. It wasn't until I learned just about everything there was to learn about the facility, doctor, bone marrow transplants, ATG, chemotherapy, radiation, joined every facebook support group for Aplastic Anemia and spent hours upon hours reading each persons story (good and bad), etc. that I realized; it doesn't matter how much I learn. What matters is the Lord's sovereign plan for me. Throughout those first few weeks I had never felt such turmoil in my soul, I was spiraling and I knew it was happening but I couldn't stop myself. In other times when i've been faced with something difficult, I seldom waver but lean into the Lord and have confidence in His word. But this? The world teaches us that this is too big for God, that we need to rely on wordly things or people to bring us healing. I will humbly admit that I battled between wordly doctors, treatments, research and my Heavenly Father's promises of healing. I felt like a failure to Him. How could I call myself a believer when I could only believe what I see infront of me? It was then that I realized, I was just looking in the wrong place.

Is That You, God?

I made the choice to remove my facebook application so that I could no longer access the groups and got back to what I knew before the doctor placed a diagnosis on me - that is, The Lord and studying His ways and His promises. I began working through devotions again, listening to Christ filled podcasts, ensuring I read my bible every single day (no skip days), I made myself notecards that read bible verses filled with life-giving truths and began reading them whenever the enemy put fear in my heart. One night, after reading the story of Samuel and Eli and the prophesy that the Lord gave regarding Eli's family, I asked the Lord to call on me as well. I begged Him to give me a dream, something that would help point me toward whichever treatment is within His will for me. Furthermore, I asked him to provide me with a peace that surpasses all understanding once He had spoken. But, how do we know that God is speaking to us? I start with scripture. Does whatever decision I am making align His word? What is scripture telling me as I read my bible each day? What stands out is no mistake or coincidence. Secondly, I evaluate if I have a feeling of peace about that decision or is it a feeling of unrest?

By His Stripes I am Healed

I am a living testamant of His forgiveness, His mercy, His grace, His righteousness, His love. His son Jesus dying on the cross for little old me is all of the evidence I need. Because of him, I am saved and made righteous. I am forgiven and by his stripes I am healed. Today I have not only peace, but confidence and dare I say excitement. I am excited to see this testimony play out, to have found my purpose and to bring others to Christ through sharing. However I get through this will be a testimony to others, one that will encourage and uplift them during a time that can be very dark if you let it. With the Lord, something that the enemy makes so ugly can become truly beautiful. The Lord is sovereign, and He has already called me healed.

Sincerely,

A Friend

P.S. This was written a couple of weeks ago, but I fell asleep while proof-reading and then forgot to post it. So this is a "real time" post - 2 weeks ;)